Improvement Suggestions: TOEFL Writing

Reading: Scientists are considering the possibility of sending humans to Mars in the coming decades. Although there have been successful manned missions to the Moon in the 1960s and 1970s, Mars is 150 times further away from Earth than the Moon is. Thus the project of sending humans to Mars would require solving an array of problems the Moon missions did not have to face. One problem is that a round-trip to Mars and back is likely to take at least two years. The trip to the Moon lasted only a few days, and it was easy to bring enough supplies of food, water, and oxygen; but the cargo capacity of space vehicles is too limited to put on board the food, water, and oxygen required by a crew for a period of two years. Without those essentials, though, a Mars mission is impossible. A second problem is that astronauts on the Mars mission would be in the zero-gravity environment of space for many months at a time. Spending a long time in the zero-gravity environment has negative effects on the human body, such as decreased muscle mass and lower bone density. Over the course of a two-year mission, the effects would be so severe, they would make it impossible for humans to make the trip without experiencing grave medical problems. Finally, astronauts on a mission to Mars would be exposed to dangerous levels of space radiation, much of which comes in the form of charged particles emitted by the Sun. Earth’s magnetic field, which normally protects us from dangerous solar radiation, would not be able to protect a spaceship traveling in interplanetary space. Constructing a shield that would protect the whole spaceship from space radiation is at present impossible because it would add too much weight to the ship.

Listening: Now listen to part of a lecture on the topic you just read about.

A trip to Mars will definitely be challenging, but scientists have proposed solutions to the problems the reading selection discusses. First of all, food, water, and oxygen. Well, astronauts can use hydroponics.

Hydroponics is a technique for growing plants with their roots in water rather than in soil. It requires relatively little space. Using hydroponics, the astronauts should be able to cultivate food crops in the spacecraft. In addition, the hydroponically grown plants will recycle wastewater and release it as clean water vapor, which can be collected as drinking water. And of course, all plants absorb carbon dioxide and release oxygen, so thanks to hydroponics, the astronauts will also have fresh air to breathe.

Second, the effects of zero gravity. Over the last few decades, we have launched several space stations orbiting the Earth, and a number of astronauts have spent many months on them in a zero-gravity environment. These astronauts have learned to use several techniques to safely manage the effects of zero gravity. For example, regular exercise prevents the decrease in muscle mass. Likewise, taking vitamins and minerals like calcium slows down the decrease in the astronauts’ bone density.

Third, solar radiation. Astronauts traveling to Mars will be exposed to some solar radiation, but this radiation will not be at dangerous levels all the time. The Sun only releases dangerous amounts of radiation occasionally, during periods when it’s particularly active. In order to avoid this threat, the spacecraft could be equipped with special instruments that monitor solar radiation, and with a small shelter that is shielded against radiation but doesn’t add much weight to the ship. Most of the time, the astronauts would go about their normal business in unshielded areas of the spacecraft. But when their instruments detect increased radiation, they could stay in the small shielded area until the danger has passed.

Question: Summarize the points made in the lecture, being sure to explain how they respond to the specific concerns presented in the reading passage.

My Writing: Even though there exist several problems about sending humans to Mars, strategies are also coming up with.

Firstly, the far-away round trip will demand the travellers three basic things: food, water and oxygen. However, newly developed hydroponic planting can cope with the difficulty. It basically means growing plants in water, which can get rid of heavy-wight soil. The water can be recycled from liquid waste and plants will generate oxygen to refresh the air, idealy solving the problem.

Second question located in long-term zero-gravity environment exposure, which will make astronauts on muscle-decreasing and density-dropping of bone. But based on extensively experience on space station thses years, researchers found that regular excercises can prevent muscle mass from losing, and supplmenting vitamin and calsium can counter the bone density lowering.

Solar radiation in the space in another issue. Nevertheless, the sun is not always spreading harmful level of radiation. Only during a short amout of time will it send out strong radiation. Thus, constructing a small shield is a feasible solution. Most of the time, human on the spaceship simply live and work normally, and when outside radiation sensors spot anamoly increase of sun radiation, they can hide into the shelter which then become crowded. Since the duration is short, this is relatively more practical than creating a shield which covers the whole shpaceship.

Your essay on the Integrated Writing task for the TOEFL iBT demonstrates a fair understanding of the task, but there are areas for improvement. Here is a breakdown of your performance based on TOEFL iBT writing rubrics:

Score: 3 (out of 5)

1. Content and Development:

   • You have addressed the primary concerns in the reading passage and provided corresponding solutions from the lecture.
   • The essay partially summarizes the points from the lecture, but it lacks some detail and clarity in explaining how these solutions specifically address the concerns raised in the reading.

2. Organization:

   • Your essay is structured into paragraphs, each focusing on one of the three problems and their solutions.
   • Transitions between ideas are somewhat effective, but the flow could be improved with more cohesive devices.

3. Language Use:

   • There are noticeable grammatical errors and awkward phrasings (e.g., "strategies are also coming up with", "travellers three basic things", "heavy-wight soil").
   • Vocabulary usage is generally appropriate, though some word choices could be more precise (e.g., "muscle-decreasing" could be better expressed as "muscle mass reduction").

4. Accuracy:

   • There are inaccuracies in the presentation of lecture content. For example, the lecture suggests that hydroponics can recycle wastewater into clean water, not just "water can be recycled from liquid waste."
   • The explanation of how astronauts deal with zero-gravity effects could be more accurate and detailed.

Areas for Improvement:

• Clarity and Detail: Enhance clarity by more explicitly connecting the solutions from the lecture to the problems in the reading. For example, explain how hydroponics directly solves the issue of limited cargo capacity for food and oxygen.
• Grammar and Syntax: Review and correct grammatical errors. Practice constructing sentences that are not only grammatically correct but also convey your ideas more clearly.
• Cohesion and Coherence: Use more transitional phrases to improve the flow of your essay and to clearly indicate how each part of your response relates to the task.
• Accuracy and Completeness: Ensure that the information from the lecture is accurately and fully represented. Each point from the lecture should directly address a specific concern from the reading.

Overall, your essay shows a basic understanding of the task with room for improvement in clarity, grammatical accuracy, and detail. Keep practicing, focusing particularly on the accuracy of information and the clarity of your writing.

Revise my writing. Only correct grammar, syntax fault and inaccuraty. I will deal with adding details and cohesion later.

Certainly! Here's a revised version of your essay with corrections to grammar, syntax, and inaccuracies:

Even though there are several challenges in sending humans to Mars, strategies are being developed to address these issues.

Firstly, the long round trip to Mars requires three basic necessities: food, water, and oxygen. Hydroponic planting, a method of growing plants in water without heavy soil, can help overcome this challenge. This technique enables the recycling of wastewater into clean water and allows plants to generate oxygen, effectively solving the problem.

The second issue concerns the long-term exposure to a zero-gravity environment, which can lead to muscle loss and decreased bone density in astronauts. However, extensive experience on space stations in recent years has shown that regular exercise can prevent muscle mass loss, and supplementing with vitamins and calcium can counteract the reduction in bone density.

Solar radiation in space is another concern. Nonetheless, the Sun does not always emit radiation at harmful levels. It only releases strong radiation occasionally. Therefore, constructing a small shield is a feasible solution. For most of the time, humans on the spaceship can live and work normally. When external radiation sensors detect an abnormal increase in solar radiation, they can retreat to the shelter. This approach is more practical than creating a shield covering the entire spaceship, as the periods of high radiation are relatively short.

This revised version corrects grammatical errors, improves syntax, and addresses inaccuracies in the representation of the lecture content.

Give some explanation on your revised version, can you?

Certainly! Let's go through the key changes I made to your essay:

1. Introduction - Grammar and Clarity:

   • Original: "Even though there exist several problems about sending humans to Mars, strategies are also coming up with."
   • Revised: "Even though there are several challenges in sending humans to Mars, strategies are being developed to address these issues."
   • Explanation: The revised sentence corrects the awkward phrasing and grammatical errors. The phrase "strategies are being developed" is more grammatically correct and clearer than "strategies are also coming up with."

2. First Problem - Accuracy and Syntax:

   • Original: "...growing plants in water, which can get rid of heavy-wight soil."
   • Revised: "...a method of growing plants in water without heavy soil..."
   • Explanation: The revised sentence corrects the misspelling of "weight" and improves clarity by directly stating that hydroponics does not use soil, which is more accurate in describing the hydroponics process.

3. Second Problem - Detail and Clarity:

   • Original: "...based on extensively experience on space station thses years..."
   • Revised: "...extensive experience on space stations in recent years..."
   • Explanation: The revised sentence corrects grammatical errors ("extensively experience" to "extensive experience") and improves clarity. It also corrects the typo "thses" to "these."

4. Third Problem - Accuracy and Phrasing:

   • Original: "...when outside radiation sensors spot anamoly increase of sun radiation, they can hide into the shelter which then become crowded."
   • Revised: "When external radiation sensors detect an abnormal increase in solar radiation, they can retreat to the shelter."
   • Explanation: This revision corrects inaccuracies and improves phrasing. The original sentence's reference to the shelter becoming crowded was not mentioned in the lecture and was therefore removed for accuracy. Additionally, "anomaly increase" was changed to "abnormal increase" for better wording.

Each of these changes aims to improve the grammatical accuracy, clarity, and adherence to the content from the lecture. The goal is to ensure that your essay is more coherent, precise, and aligned with the requirements of the TOEFL iBT Integrated Writing task.

That makes sense. For the first sentence of the second paragraph, what I was thinking is to write something like this: "Firstly, the long round trip will demand three basic things from travellers: food, water and oxygen." Is this sentence good?

Your proposed sentence, "Firstly, the long round trip will demand three basic things from travellers: food, water, and oxygen," is a good construction. It's clear and grammatically correct. Here's a brief analysis:

• Clarity: The sentence directly states the essential needs for the Mars mission, which are food, water, and oxygen. This sets a clear context for the paragraph.
• Grammar: The structure is grammatically sound. You correctly use the colon to introduce a list of items, which is a standard and effective way to present such information.
• Cohesion: The use of "Firstly" is appropriate for starting your list of issues to be addressed in the essay, aligning well with the essay's overall structure.

This sentence effectively introduces the paragraph and the issues it will discuss, aligning well with TOEFL iBT writing standards.

Alright. Now based on your revised version, rewrite them again to imporove performance on cohesion and details. I want to see how the essay evolves. Also give some explanation on what you added and why they are better.

Certainly! Here's a further revised version of your essay with enhanced cohesion and added details:

Revised Essay:

The prospect of sending humans to Mars presents several significant challenges, but innovative solutions are emerging to address these obstacles.

Firstly, the extended duration of the Mars mission necessitates a sustainable supply of food, water, and oxygen. Hydroponics, an advanced technique of cultivating plants in water without soil, offers a promising solution. This method not only conserves space but also enables astronauts to grow their own food crops aboard the spacecraft. More importantly, hydroponically grown plants play a dual role: they recycle wastewater, converting it into clean water vapor for drinking, and they replenish the air supply by absorbing carbon dioxide and releasing oxygen. This multifaceted approach effectively addresses the issue of limited cargo capacity for essential supplies.

The second major challenge involves the adverse effects of prolonged exposure to a zero-gravity environment, namely muscle atrophy and reduced bone density. However, insights gained from extended stays on space stations provide viable countermeasures. Astronauts can mitigate these effects through a regimen of regular exercise, which has been proven to preserve muscle mass. Additionally, dietary supplements, particularly calcium and essential vitamins, are effective in slowing down bone density loss. These preventative strategies are based on empirical evidence from astronauts' experiences in space, offering practical solutions for long-term space travel.

Lastly, the threat posed by solar radiation in space is a significant concern. While it's true that solar radiation can be harmful, it's important to note that high levels of radiation are not constant but rather occur intermittently, coinciding with periods of heightened solar activity. To combat this, the spacecraft could be equipped with sophisticated instruments to monitor solar radiation levels. In response to elevated radiation levels, astronauts can seek refuge in a specially designed, lightweight shielded area within the spacecraft. This strategy of using a small, dedicated shelter, as opposed to shielding the entire spacecraft, is both weight-efficient and practical, ensuring safety without the burden of additional mass.

Explanation of Improvements:

1. Introduction of Each Problem and Solution:

   • I've added introductory sentences for each problem to smoothly transition into the solutions, enhancing the flow and coherence of the essay. This approach helps to clearly establish the context for each problem before delving into the solutions.

2. Detailed Description of Hydroponics:

   • The explanation of hydroponics now includes its space-saving advantage and its role in both food production and water/oxygen recycling. These details emphasize how hydroponics is a comprehensive solution to the cargo capacity problem.

3. Empirical Basis for Zero-Gravity Countermeasures:

   • I highlighted that the strategies to combat muscle loss and bone density reduction are based on empirical evidence from space station experiences. This adds credibility to the solutions and underscores their practicality.

4. Refined Explanation of Radiation Protection:

   • The revised section on solar radiation now emphasizes the intermittent nature of high radiation levels and the practicality of a dedicated shelter. This provides a more nuanced understanding of the problem and the proposed solution.

These enhancements contribute to a more cohesive and detailed essay, aligning with the expectations of a high-scoring TOEFL iBT response. The essay now offers a clearer, more comprehensive understanding of both the challenges of a Mars mission and the scientific solutions to these challenges.

Tell me more about cohesion ahd coherence, especially use my writing and your revised version (last one) as examples to demonstrate.

Cohesion and coherence are essential elements of effective writing, especially in structured tasks like the TOEFL iBT writing section. Let's explore these concepts using your original writing and the last revised version as examples.

Cohesion

Cohesion refers to the way sentences and ideas are connected to each other in a piece of writing. It involves the use of linking words, pronouns, and other devices to ensure that each part of the writing relates clearly to other parts.

Your Original Writing:

• Your essay had some basic cohesive elements, like the use of "Firstly," "Second," and "Third," which are good for listing points.
• However, it lacked transitional phrases that smoothly connect ideas within and between paragraphs.

Revised Version:

• I introduced each problem with a more detailed sentence, like "The extended duration of the Mars mission necessitates a sustainable supply of food, water, and oxygen." This provides a clear transition from the general idea of challenges to the specific problem of supply sustainability.
• Transitional phrases like "However," "More importantly," and "To combat this," were used. These not only signal a shift in ideas but also logically connect the solutions to the problems discussed.

Coherence

Coherence is about the overall clarity and logical flow of ideas in a text. It ensures that the text makes sense as a whole, with each sentence and paragraph contributing to the development of the central theme or argument.

Your Original Writing:

• Each paragraph addressed a different problem related to the Mars mission, which is a coherent structure.
• However, some sentences lacked clarity in how they related to the central theme of addressing Mars mission challenges, which impacted the overall coherence.

Revised Version:

• I added introductory sentences to each paragraph to establish a clear link between the specific problem and the general theme of finding solutions for Mars mission challenges.
• The solutions were elaborated with more details, making it clearer how they effectively address the respective challenges. This not only provides depth to each point but also strengthens the overall coherence of the essay.

Demonstrating Cohesion and Coherence

Example - Cohesion:

• Original: "Solar radiation in the space in another issue."
• Revised: "Lastly, the threat posed by solar radiation in space is a significant concern."
• The revised sentence uses "Lastly" to signal the final point and introduces the problem more completely, enhancing the cohesion with previous parts of the essay.

Example - Coherence:

• Original: "...but based on extensively experience on space station thses years, researchers found that regular excercises..."
• Revised: "However, insights gained from extended stays on space stations provide viable countermeasures."
• The revision clarifies the connection between past experiences in space and current solutions, thus improving coherence by showing how previous knowledge is applied to solve new challenges.

In summary, cohesion and coherence work together to make a piece of writing not just understandable, but also logical and easy to follow. The revised version of your essay demonstrates better use of cohesive devices and a more coherent flow of ideas, which are crucial for a high-scoring TOEFL iBT essay.